Tuesday, August 5, 2014

New Home

Tonight was awesome! Devon had a Dar a Luz Network meeting so it was just me and the boys. We played outside in the backyard for about an hour. Our backyard now is magical. I could just stay out there forever! It seems huge. Gabe and I played wiffle ball while Ezra ran around kicking a soccer ball. Ezra would also get the wiffle ball for us if it went onto the patio. He thought he was pretty big stuff when he threw it. Gabe could hit the ball as hard as he wanted and not worry about it going over the fence. It was a moment of pure bliss and relaxation for me.

Lately I've been in need of some relaxation. Work is pretty intense right now and I'm not doing very good at leaving it at work. The move has also been a bit stressful and I've been making it more stressful by being upset about the lack of unpacking progress. The new house has definitely become a home though lately. Gabe's room has become his favorite place inside the house. He also loves just going outside on his own and playing. I had something deeper and more profound in mind when I started writing this post but I may just keep doing stupid mind dumps like this.

Friday, March 8, 2013


I'm feeling kind of reflective as I sit here tonight. Nothing is more comforting to me than watching Gabriel sleep peacefully. Nothing is more calming, reassuring, or amazing than seeing my first miracle laying in bed without a care. I stood in his doorway just before this watching for a minute and listening to him snore. I was reminded of the first nights watching him sleep knowing that I was taking care of him. A lot of those watches were while he slept on my chest and Devon was sleeping across from us. It's amazing that he already knew then that he could be comfortable with me and rest on me. It's also amazing to think that any day now I will finally get to meet the second miracle to come into my life and I get to do those first nights all over again. I get to see another little baby know that I am safe and that I will keep him safe. It's such a cool blessing and a burden. I say burden with respect for the position that God has given us as parents not as some chore that we must endure. To say that Devon and I pursued this is an understatement so I want to be clear that I love this.

Sometimes, like tonight, I get a reminder of how cool this all is. There have been a few times when I've heard someone or a song talking about cherishing each moment with our family and it's made me feel guilty. Guilty for the times that I have blown up at Gabe or Devon or Zoe. Guilty that I haven't necessarily cherished every moment. But tonight I stopped and thought about that idea for a minute and realized that I shouldn't feel too guilty. It's ok to feel a little guilty and use that to try and make me a better parent but that I shouldn't feel that too deeply. I think there are very few people that can truly just cherish every moment no matter what. Life isn't always clean, easy, and cherish-able. Remembering to hold onto the cherished moments and letting go of the other moments where we fell short is even more important.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Today was an awesome day! I woke up with my alarm at 6:15am and checked my e-mail to find that work was closed today due to weather. My company has an awesome policy that whenever the office closes due to weather the employees still get paid without having to use vacation time. So I promptly went back to bed! Gabe woke up about an hour later and played for a bit. Then Devon got up with him and let me sleep for about another 2 hours. When I finally got up for the day I looked outside and it was gorgeous! It was a really sticky snow that was stacked on everything. The trees were all outlined in snow down to the tiniest branch.

Gabe and Devon had been having a board game marathon in the basement so I went down to say good morning to them. They played a few more games of Match and then the 3 of us played Trouble. (We've been playing a LOT of Trouble since Christmas). After that I ate some cereal and Gabe and I went outside to shovel and play in the snow. I took my camera out too so I could take some photos of the tree in our front yard. The snow was wet and sticky on the driveway and cars but pretty cold and fluffy still on the yard. Gabe followed me around while I was shoveling hitting me with snowballs. We tried making a snowman after I finished with the shoveling while I warmed up the van. That's when I found out that the snow in the yard wasn't quite as sticky as what I had just shoveled off of the pavement. We still made a small snowman with arms and a single acorn eye since we couldn't find another one.

Then the real snowball fight started! Gabe and I walked all around the front of our yard and the neighbor's front yard (they are only there on the weekends). I got a few good long range hits in and even managed to knock a snowball out of his hand. I managed to someone get a few down my hood and into my shirt. It was fairly warm too so we stayed outside for over an hour while Devon got a brief nap inside. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful other than a lot of laundry and a lightbulb & toilet paper run. Everything is currently washed and clean except for what we wore today! So it was a very fun and very productive day off!

It's amazing to me that we are now in the any day now time frame for Little Pea. I took 2 days off at the beginning of last week due to illness so they weren't quite as fun as today. Playing with Gabe reminded me of the miracle that he is and that we are going to be blessed with meeting another incredible miracle any day now!! (Wow, really any day now!!! WOW!)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Opening Up

So I'm making my blog public again. I'm not sure that it matters either way really but at this point I'm less paranoid about what people can find out about me. I'm also still careful about what I put onto the Internet knowing that once it's there it will never go away. I have no clue how often I will write, I've never really been a consistent blogger anyway. I am also going to try and go back through old posts and update the picture links. I noticed a while ago that I hadn't moved over most of those links back when I moved here to the Blogger platform.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Lyrics - All of Me

All of Me - Matt Hammitt
Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you


Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Chorus (X2)

It's where I'll start
I don't think that there will ever be a time where this song doesn't make me cry. In fact most times that I hear it I start bawling like a baby. The story behind it is amazing and painful to me all at the same time. Matt Hammitt's son Bowen was diagnosed with a heart defect in utero. They weren't sure he would survive birth let alone how long afterwards he would live if he did survive birth. And yet he had the faith and courage to love his son in spite of all of this.

Throughout all of our struggles with infertility and miscarriage I had lost that faith and courage to love the babies that God had blessed us with - it had just become too hard to. The last few times we've become pregnant I have had the attitude from the beginning that it wasn't going to be for long so then I wouldn't show that baby love. I almost just wanted it to die right away rather than cause me pain again. Rather than just loving the fact that we were pregnant, even if only for days, I had reached the point where I was cold and hard. Hearing this song made me realize that it was probably selfish to act/feel that way. The times that we have been pregnant have been far between and if we are ever blessed to become pregnant again I will love that baby with All of Me so that even if God does call that baby home before I get to see him/her I can take comfort that when I see them again I can tell them that I've always loved them with all of my heart and soul. And to those babies that I may have been cold to that they will know my love that day that I'm called home to be with them again.

Bowen is alive and well right now. The Hammitts keep a blog of their journey with him and their family.

All Of Me

Sunday, March 25, 2012


I'm back to writing here again. I missed being able to write longer posts and know that people could easily see them if they wanted to. I'm leaving the blog locked to only invited users but that's fine with me - I have a pretty select audience that I want to read it anyway. And I think maybe I was over-sharing with the Internet as a whole. It's funny how the importance of privacy can change over time.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Gabe Update

Looking back through my posts I see that I haven't mentioned that Gabriel has moved up to a big boy bed. He was definitely ready for it and has only fallen out of bed twice in probably 2 months. At the beginning Zoe would sleep on the end of his bed and we think this was keeping him from rolling off as he would hit her on the edge of the bed before going off the edge. The first time falling off he did thump his head pretty hard, but the second time he woke up quick enough to keep his head from hitting hard. These also were not on consecutive nights. Once we got the bed he never looked back. He was pretty tired of his crib and felt crammed into it so he was willing to make the big boy bed work out.

He has said some pretty funny things as of late. The other night he and I were hanging out while Devon was at work and we both had to go poop when we got home. I let him go first but was waiting by the door trying to get him to hurry. He finally looked up at me and said "Daddy, this is what you do. You say 'Poopie stay in there!'" This is what we have always told him when he tells us he has to poop or pee and we are in the car! It had me busting up laughing and I said "Ok" and told my poopie to stay in there.